Just a small nuclear war, mind you

It's days like these you just have to thank your lucky stars your president assiduously avoids reading the news, because you just know this headline would have caught his twitchy little eye:

Small nuclear war could lead to cooldown

Using modern climate and population models, researchers estimated that a small-scale nuclear conflict between two warring nations would cause 3 million to 17 million immediate casualties and lead to a marked cooldown of the planet that could lead to crop failures and further misery.

For if you replace "crop failures and further misery" with "controlled freedom burn conditions under which democracy and energy independence for the 21st century would be liberated to fill in more lush than before," that could have come straight out of a presidential address.

Juxtaposed with stories about Al Gore being in Oscar contention for "An Inconvenient Truth," NASA finally getting cracking on that moon base and Iraq suffusing into about eight different flavors of disarray, it would only be a matter of time before those rusty synapses were set a firin' and plans for a combined pre-emptive strike against global warming/"graceful exit" from Iraq would begin to take form.

State of the Union time is just around the corner, you know. And though our fearless leader doesn't hold them in exceedingly high regard the rest of the time, if scientists are however indirectly telling him to nuke things, it's never too late to start listening.

Perhaps a few layers of insulation between the news and the newsmakers aren't so roundly terrible.

Take it from everyone's favorite, now apparently bipolar plagiarist, Jayson Blair -- too much news just isn't good for anyone.

Deep thought

If a tree falls in front of the White House, does that mean the squirrel caucus wants to cut and run?

Can you list "The Decider" on a resume?

Amid all this talk of '08 plans and "lame duck" President Bush, the subject came up the other day: Just what is W going to do when his presidency is up?

One can't really see him going the philanthropic or diplomatic route like the other ex-presidents. Think tanks aren't the most compatible option. Pundits have to pay attention to the news, at least in passing. And what enterprise would seriously want 43 on board for any kind of advising or consulting work?

But the fact remains, all that brush in Crawford will eventually be cleared, it's an ecological inevitability. Here are some post-White House posts our commander in chief might find inspiring:

• Free-range embryo rancher -- the pro-life, organic alternative to "fetal farming."

• Directing the George W. Bush Institute For Socio-Linguistic Cultural Studies And Frolicking With Puppies.

• Wal-Mart stockboy. If he starts now, he might live to get one of them fancy polo shirts.

• Prophet, chaplain, televangelist, etc. Who else gets paid for actively opposing reality?

• Move over, Garden Weasel -- hello, Bush-Whacker.

• Wiggle-in-waiting.

• Motivational speaker/counselor. Qualifications? Starting an un-winnable war and enduring years of majority disapproval as leader of the free world without turning into a raging alcoholic and/or slitting his goddamn wrists.

• Someone needs to color in all those books soon to be shelved at the George W. Bush Presidential Library.

• Blogger.

• Playing Jack Bauer's long lost, mildly autistic brother on "24."

• Anti-pretzel lobbyist.

The "War on Christmas" has apparently been downgraded to a "Minor Messianic Tussle"

For yesterday was one of those frivolous yet delightful days the national press looks forward to all year, especially the lucky few who get to cover and thereby gorge on the annual showcase of excess that is the First Lady's annual presentation of the White House holiday decor and party menu.

And for the rest of us with admittedly low thresholds for amusement and untapped stores of holiday spirits, it can only mean one thing: The annual Barney Christmas video cannot be far behind.

To tide us over, reports reveal that the '06 yuletide spread at 1600 Pennsylvania includes a white chocolate model of the presidential abode, including "First Dogs Barney and Miss Beazley driving Santa's sleigh" and the Bush family's perpetually nameless-in-print black cat, India, "nestled in the snow near the White House steps" -- which sounds much more festive and warm-fuzzy than "tossed out into the cold like so many Republican Congressmen and empty PBR cans."

This season's official celebratory theme is "Deck the Halls and Welcome All." You know, unless they're foreign, gay, non-Christian or, of course, my spunky Senator-elect, Jim Webb, who just gets welcomed with snide inquiries from the Commander in Chief about his son serving in the former's war and the resultant gift that keeps on giving, bad press painting him as petulant and looking to deck something else entirely.

But thanks are nonetheless in order to the Secret Service and the White House gift shop, for any male already unfortunate enough to be on my holiday shopping list is so getting something from the presidential toiletry line, "1600 for Men."

That one's truly a gift for everyone involved, because who wouldn't want a man who smells like Eau d'Oval Office? "Darling, what IS that intoxicating olfactory pastiche of arrogance, incompetence and... ooh, is that a note of Purell? Oh, god, it just makes me want to strip away all constitutional checks on your executive power and give you all my money!"

Because, naturally, I would otherwise just spend it all on clothes and perpetuate my gender's income inferiority, says the Dec. 4 issue of Time for Half-Baked Hacks Treated as Logical Professionals -- the news source favored by 68 out of 69 Bush-loving mental patients.