The "War on Christmas" has apparently been downgraded to a "Minor Messianic Tussle"

For yesterday was one of those frivolous yet delightful days the national press looks forward to all year, especially the lucky few who get to cover and thereby gorge on the annual showcase of excess that is the First Lady's annual presentation of the White House holiday decor and party menu.

And for the rest of us with admittedly low thresholds for amusement and untapped stores of holiday spirits, it can only mean one thing: The annual Barney Christmas video cannot be far behind.

To tide us over, reports reveal that the '06 yuletide spread at 1600 Pennsylvania includes a white chocolate model of the presidential abode, including "First Dogs Barney and Miss Beazley driving Santa's sleigh" and the Bush family's perpetually nameless-in-print black cat, India, "nestled in the snow near the White House steps" -- which sounds much more festive and warm-fuzzy than "tossed out into the cold like so many Republican Congressmen and empty PBR cans."

This season's official celebratory theme is "Deck the Halls and Welcome All." You know, unless they're foreign, gay, non-Christian or, of course, my spunky Senator-elect, Jim Webb, who just gets welcomed with snide inquiries from the Commander in Chief about his son serving in the former's war and the resultant gift that keeps on giving, bad press painting him as petulant and looking to deck something else entirely.

But thanks are nonetheless in order to the Secret Service and the White House gift shop, for any male already unfortunate enough to be on my holiday shopping list is so getting something from the presidential toiletry line, "1600 for Men."

That one's truly a gift for everyone involved, because who wouldn't want a man who smells like Eau d'Oval Office? "Darling, what IS that intoxicating olfactory pastiche of arrogance, incompetence and... ooh, is that a note of Purell? Oh, god, it just makes me want to strip away all constitutional checks on your executive power and give you all my money!"

Because, naturally, I would otherwise just spend it all on clothes and perpetuate my gender's income inferiority, says the Dec. 4 issue of Time for Half-Baked Hacks Treated as Logical Professionals -- the news source favored by 68 out of 69 Bush-loving mental patients.