The dangerous book for traumatized plush toys

• Inspired by all the Lance Armstrong news, Larry Craig is now selling WideStance bracelets (8/29/07).

That was the Last Call! Swizzle Stick that started it all for me, way back in the dark, toe-tapping days of 2007. Here's a sampling of my favorites -- my own little sometimes absurd, sometimes poignant, sometimes oddly prophetic history of the past few years:

• Drinks tonight are on all the people who won their "when will Bill start causing Hillary trouble?" pools (11/7/07).

• You know that feeling you get, anxiously hoping against hope that someone will send you flowers or some other conspicuous token of love today? That's what Pres. Bush feels like all the time (2/14/08).

• When he writes his memoir, Bush plans to use not just a ghost-writer, but possibly a ghost-rememberer (6/10/08).

• Increasingly desperate to pay down her debts, HRC has started selling knockoffs of the dress Michelle Obama wore on "The View" out of the back of her Town Car (6/20/08).

• While Obama is out of the country, Hillary Clinton has proclaimed herself "Acting Presumptive Nominee" (7/21/08).

• We hear featured activities at the McCain camp's Halloween party will include carving out yet another message and bobbing for a reason to carry on (10/30/08).

• Still, we don't know how anybody's going to top Bill Clinton’s Obama-supporter costume this year (10/30/08).

• After reportedly buying Michelle a $30K ring, Obama can only afford to thank the rest of his supporters with tacky, $99 diamond heart pendants purchased at the last minute (12/2/08).

• Good thing Charlie Crist can't accept wedding gifts, otherwise we'd be obligated to joke about how he didn't register for a complete bedding ensemble, just the shams (12/12/08).

• On the new SarahPAC website, we can't seem to find the link to donate to the Bristol-Levi wedding gift registry (1/27/09).

• We'd like to commend VP Biden for supporting the Special Olympics, seeing as how there's no way we can make fun of him today (2/12/09).

• In another signal to Burris and Jim Bunning that it's time to leave the Senate, leaders have begun turning on all the lights and playing Journey songs when they're in the chamber (2/25/09).

• Outside the Capitol today, Sebelius rushed past a crestfallen Howard Dean to be the first one to frolic in a patch of freshly fallen snow (3/2/09).

• Meanwhile, scientists have discovered miraculous new cells present in Joe Lieberman that can be coaxed into supporting absolutely anything (3/9/09).

• Apparently, the new organic garden at the WH will include a plot for magic beans that will fix the economy (3/20/09).

• There's nothing quite like the excitement of getting a new SCOTUS justice most Americans soon won't be able to name (5/1/09).

• Some GOPers are still willing to give Sarah Palin a chance, provided her words start coming out of Tina Fey again (6/9/09).

• Angelina Jolie wants Hillary Clinton to know that anything she can do to help her recovery -- run errands, fill in as an ambassador, adopt Chelsea -- all she has to do is ask (6/18/09).

• The supposed John Edwards sex tape reportedly consists of a few minutes of ambiguous blurriness, followed by 20 minutes of vigorous primping (6/29/09).

• Word on the street in NJ this weekend is that if you find a black-market kidney inside your counterfeit Gucci handbag, you win a prize (7/24/09).

• It was overshadowed by his date with Kathy Griffin, but Levi Johnston snagged Teen Choice Awards for "Choice Hottie from an Underpopulated Area" and "Choice Regrettable Choice” (8/10/09).

• The WH's first attempt at a pro-health-care viral email concludes with a threat to forward it to 20 people or be forced into the public option (8/13/09).

• We're trying to think up a word for "obituary sent via Twitter" that doesn't sound disrespectful (8/26/09).

• Lawmakers are preparing for H1N1 by avoiding close contact with others, like that required to forge bipartisan agreement (9/1/09).

• Tonight's WH basketball game promises to be a rousing and well-matched battle between health care metaphors and Afghanistan metaphors (10/8/09).

• Dems sent a bunch of symbolic mops over to the RNC yesterday, with the understanding that they'll need to borrow them back in about two weeks to take care of the Deeds campaign (10/20/09).

• In addition to major cities, Sarah Palin's book tour will also avoid the liberal strongholds of bookstores (11/5/09).

• Panic briefly ensued on the Hill this weekend when the giant health care bill got mixed up with Rep. Tom Rooney's python skin (11/9/09).

• Obama is considering naming this year's Thanksgiving turkeys Benator and Lieberman, then waiting to decide whether to pardon them until after the health care vote (11/23/09).

• Jenny Sanford made this year's "10 Most Fascinating" cut, while Mark Sanford will have to wait for Barbara Walters' "10 People Who Briefly Fascinated Us, Then Terminally Overshared" (12/9/09).

• The current health care situation is doubly frustrating for Howard Dean, as a doctor and as someone who specializes in derailing things (12/17/09).

• On his recent "bender," John Edwards' favorite pickup lines were reportedly "Wanna go back to my America?" and "I know I just met you, but I think you're the cause of my life” (1/14/10).

• The seat-recliner who caused an altercation on Mitt Romney's plane insisted today that the Romneys started it by taking forever to load their giant Irish setter into the overhead bin (2/16/10).

• In the wake of Rielle Hunter's GQ photoshoot, Dora, having officially seen it all, retired from exploring (3/15/10).

• Unwilling to part with their symbolic victory gavel, House Dems kicked off the midterm elections today by announcing the start of an intramural, bipartisan Whac-a-Mole league (3/22/10).

• Now that word is out that Sarah Palin's AK documentary will air on TLC, plans are already in the works for crossover events like "Say You Betcha to the Dress" and "Caribou Pitmasters” (3/25/10).

• Among the surprises in Biden's tax returns: instead of itemizing, he took the "big f---ing deduction” (4/15/10).

• Earth Day must be somewhat bittersweet for Al Gore -- he no doubt appreciates the attention, but he also knows everyone feels obligated to call (4/22/10).

• If Hillary Clinton finds her job as sec/state exhausting, just imagine if she had to constantly be taking 3 am phone calls (4/23/10).

• Rielle Hunter told Oprah today that she's not a homewrecker -- technically, she was only powerful enough to destroy one wing of the Edwards estate (4/29/10).

• With tar balls reportedly starting to wash up on the beaches, the FL Keys haven't felt so dirty since Mark Sanford vacationed there (5/18/10).

• Voting itself is reportedly going smoothly in SC, but the exit polygraphs are so far inconclusive (6/8/10).

• Breaking with the WH again today, Bill Clinton announced he's totally on Team Jacob (6/30/10).

Check out more after the jump.


• Obama revealed he and Mike Bloomberg had a good first breakfast date, but he couldn't help feeling like people were staring at them (11/30/07).

• In what may be a bad sign for HRC, we're receiving scattered reports of supporters partying with beer before liquor (4/22/08).

• McCain's camp will consider it a victory tonight if he can stay awake long enough to see the returns come in (4/22/08).

• Legend has it each Earth Day, Al Gore emerges from his lair to terrorize unsuspecting villagers who still use incandescent bulbs (4/22/08).

• Truth is, a simple game of "H-O-R-S-E" wasn't enough of a workout for Obama on the basketball court today, but "T-H-O-R-O-U-G-H-B-R-E-D" sounded too elitist (5/6/08).

• It's not that Henry Hager is getting cold feet, but what if, the moment he says "I do," he's suddenly consumed by a desire to start righting his new father-in-law's mistakes? (5/9/08).

• The only thing more daunting, time-consuming, and probably ultimately disappointing than the 400 pages of medical records McCain is releasing? Tonight's two-hour "Grey's Anatomy" finale (5/22/08).

• In the most disconcerting sign yet that her camp is winding down, HRC's pantsuit schedule is empty beyond mid-week (6/2/08).

• In a show of bipartisan good cheer, Bush is writing up some handy European travel tips for Obama, including "meetings = bore, but boar = awesome" (7/15/08).

• In addition to high gas prices, we'd also like to blame Obama for traffic congestion, Tropical Storm Dolly, America's contemporary moral decay, the heat and the humidity, the fact that we can't afford iPhones, and the upcoming release of "Beverly Hills Chihuahua" (7/21/08).

• A confused and jet-lagged Obama made an unscheduled stop at a grocery store today to leave a handwritten prayer nestled among the Kraft Singles (7/28/08).

• Furthering his efforts to turn Obama's dreaminess against him, McCain has pitched all his rejected New York Times op-eds to Tiger Beat (8/12/08).

• We can't wait much longer for Obama to text us -- we've already broken up with him in our minds and then taken him back again about eight times now (8/20/08).

• Distinguishing features of the new, harder-hitting, take-no-prisoners Obama include sleeves rolled up a quarter inch further than usual and a smile dimmed to 997 watts (9/12/08). 

• At the U.N. today, Palin gained valuable foreign affairs experience, conversing with world leaders about climate issues (the weather), nuclear proliferation (her growing family) and global food crises (the underwhelming buffet spread) (9/23/08).

• Biden's Secret Service code name has officially been changed to "Malarkey” (9/23/08).

• Biden's debate prep hit a snag today when Palin stand-in Jennifer Granholm got a little too in-character and started field dressing an aide (9/29/08).

• Making the modern Thanksgiving classic her own, Palin plans to serve "Alaskan Turducken" -- a moose, stuffed with an elk, stuffed with a baby seal (11/25/08).

• We believe Al Gore when he says he has no interest in being "climate czar," because we suspect he already makes his loved ones call him that (12/8/08).

• Thanks to Blagojevich, a Senate seat has officially made our wish-list of unattainable fantasy gifts, alongside a bow-topped Lexus, a diamond-encrusted bra and custom life-sized Lego sculptures (12/10/08).

• Given Blagojevich's tenacity in the face of impeachment, we suspect he's one of those joggers who's so determined, he furiously runs in place while waiting to cross busy streets and bellows out "on your left!" when passing (1/9/09).

• Meanwhile, Franken and Burris are killing time at the Matchbox bar, waiting to see whose coaster-pager goes off first (1/12/09).

• Though Obama's inauguration renders them obsolete, Bush protesters are still going to congregate in their old "free speech zones" and burn effigies for warmth (1/14/09).

• It's probably for the best if Judd Gregg doesn't get to handle the Census as Commerce Sec., given that New Hampshire rarely has to count past "first” (2/6/09).

• Much of the Fashion Week fervor has centered on Michelle Obama's influence, but it looks like Rod Blagojevich may have also started a trend (2/20/09).

• Although he's tried to avoid repeating the mistakes of his predecessor, Obama admitted today that he deployed green dye into the WH fountain without having a plan for getting it out (3/17/09).

• Another humiliating, previously undisclosed Bush-era interrogation technique involved a stress position of balancing on a Segway for hours, then being disoriented and unexpectedly confined (4/17/09).

• Embarking on her book tour, Elizabeth Edwards called up her husband today just to say "I love you," followed by ten minutes of caveats (5/5/09).

• When he returns to work tomorrow, Mark Sanford hopes he has at least one friend left in SC to help check him for ticks (6/23/09).

•We think we've figured out this Jenny Sanford thing: she combines the grace of Silda Spitzer and the cutthroat survivalism of Patti Blagojevich (6/29/09).

• In another sign that Obama's health care plan is losing public support, only a handful of local kids have RSVPed to the first annual WH Swine Flu Party/Luau (7/20/09).

• The good news is that following today's arrests in NJ, Corzine's LG short-list probably got even shorter (7/23/09).

• Sarah Palin has "absolutely no plan" going forward, so it's comforting to know that part's not going to change (7/27/09).

• Among those helping Jenny Sanford move: one of her husband's staffers, who made sure the picture on her U-Haul truck didn't feature tango dancers or the Appalachian Trail (8/10/09).

• Asked by a seemingly friendly media how she managed to finish her book so far ahead of schedule, Sarah Palin realized she should have framed it that way when she quit her AK gov. job (9/29/09).

• Ex-Rep. Vito Fossella recently resurfaced at a health care town hall, where he was stumped by a question about coverage for secret pre-existing families (9/29/09).

• Even more worrisome than her voting history, Meg Whitman also has a spotty record of leaving feedback on eBay transactions (10/8/09).

• Levi Johnston is posing for Playgirl, as if he didn't already have enough awkward stories to tell his son someday while flipping through the family album (10/8/09).

• The world learned today that a key principle of the Obama Doctrine is pre-emptive awards (10/9/09).

• After writing her latest Facebook policy essay, Sarah Palin patted herself on the back and spent the next six hours playing FarmVille (10/19/09).

• Jenny Sanford has endorsed in the SC GOV race, but Mark Sanford reports he's still trying to fall back in love with a candidate (11/11/09).

• There are so many factual inaccuracies in "Going Rogue," it's now being marketed as a choose-your-own-adventure book for the gotcha media (11/17/09).

• Al Gore has lost weight recently and is now writing poetry... everyone, start believing in global warming again before he starts wearing all black and self-mutilating (12/8/09).

• Attempting to multi-task today, Obama called on supporters to donate to disaster relief in Haiti and possible-impending-disaster relief in MA (1/14/10).

• Appearing on "Oprah" today with Lady Gaga, Sarah Palin regretted not keeping a few high-fashion pieces from her campaign wardrobe to at least try and compete (1/15/10).

• Although he weighed in today on U.S. energy policy, Osama bin Laden is holding off on addressing the EFCA and Chinese drywall until he feels like he fully appreciates their nuances (1/29/10).

• Sarah Palin explained today that the notes written on her hand during her Tea Party speech were actually a shopping list, and that "Lift American Spirit" is a brand of deodorant (2/8/10).

• The Scottish terrier won Best in Show last night at Westminster, salvaging the breed's reputation from the damage done by Barney and making it the Scott Brown of the dog world (2/17/10).

• Doctors are keeping CO Gov. Bill Ritter at the hospital to recuperate from his broken ribs, arguing his risk of developing fluid in the lungs is greater at home (3/4/10).

• The logo for this year's WH Easter Egg Roll features a rabbit in jogging shorts, as the admin. didn't want to create any more internal drama by flat-out telling the Easter Bunny he's getting fat (3/8/10).

• Discord is reportedly brewing behind the scenes of the WH's NCAA office pool, amid revelations that Peter Orszag is hiding a secret, second bracket, and that Rahm Emanuel filled his out in the shower (3/17/10).

• The John Edwards sex tape avoided a fire at a NC courthouse, reminding us that we really need to get one of those window decals that says, "In case of fire, please rescue two dogs, one cat and one John Edwards sex tape” (3/26/10).

• For the record, the RNC's "Voyeur" incident is still fair game for jokes, because when Michael Steele spoke up today, he didn't say the safe word: "Resign” (4/5/10).

• Tommy Thompson may take a pass on WI SEN if beer heir Dick Leinenkugel gets in, as he'd honestly have to concede that none of his accomplishments can compete with Honey Weiss (4/7/10).

• Civil War re-enactors weighed in on Bob McDonnell's proclamation today, with half condemning it as historically inaccurate, and half calling it musket-ballsy (4/8/10).

• The WH is indicating Hillary Clinton will not be a SCOTUS justice, so court tailors can stop stressing out over the prospect of creating a stylish yet wearable pantsuit robe (4/12/10).

• If something top secret really has been found on the floor of a bar, we're glad it's the next iPhone and not the next SCOTUS pick (4/20/10).

• The only way John McCain's immigration ad could have opened him up to more criticism is if instead of walking the border, he had cruised it in a golf cart (5/11/10).

• Sarah Palin's next book, "America By Heart," already has a sequel planned: "America By What I Forgot Last Time But Have Since Jotted Down On My Hand” (5/12/10).

• George W. Bush only officially joined Facebook today, but it turns out he's been pre-emptively playing Mafia Wars for months (6/2/10).

• Paul McCartney returned to the WH for Obama's meeting with Jan Brewer today, performing updated classics like "Drive My Car Until You Get Randomly Pulled Over" and "Lucy in the Sky Without Proper Documentation" (6/3/10).

• How long does the Gore story have to stay in the news for "crazed sex poodle" to dethrone "enraged ferret" as the best mythical political creature ever? (6/24/10).

• Tom Foley denied allegations that he "rammed" another vehicle or ran anyone off the road -- he merely "physically escorted" other drivers from the roadway (6/25/10).

• Meanwhile, John Boehner's holiday picnic promises awesome pyrotechnics if any ants show up. Otherwise it's just sparklers (7/1/10).

• Still waiting for their respective apologies from Levi Johnston: the entire McCain '08 camp, the institution of marriage, pistachios, ex-alter ego Ricky Hollywood, hockey sticks and our retinas (7/7/10).

• To help them stay celibate until they're married, Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston hired Jim Gibbons as their wedding planner (7/15/10).