No gold star for you today, sir

Teacher accused of giving 'liberal' quiz

BENNINGTON, Vermont (AP) -- A high school teacher is facing questions from administrators after giving a vocabulary quiz that included digs at President Bush and the extreme right.

Bret Chenkin, a social studies and English teacher at Mount Anthony Union High School, said he gave the quiz to his students several months ago. The quiz asked students to pick the proper words to complete sentences.

One example: "I wish Bush would be (coherent, eschewed) for once during a speech, but there are theories that his everyday diction charms the below-average mind, hence insuring him Republican votes." "Coherent" is the right answer.

I'd be more concerned that they've got an English teacher using "insuring" when it should be "ensuring." Snap. I do enjoy getting catty with the red pen.

Turkeys of the day

Every once in a while, you just have to pause and marvel at the fact that this man leads the most powerful nation on earth:

Bush sends pardoned turkeys on trip to Disneyland
Tue Nov 22, 3:10 PM ET Reuters

It was a dream come true for Marshmallow and Yam, two lucky turkeys from Henning, Minnesota. President George W. Bush on Tuesday spared them from being served for Thanksgiving dinner and, to top it off, sent the pair on an
all-expenses-paid trip to Disneyland.

"I know that Marshmallow and Yam are going to feel pretty good strutting around sunny California remembering the cold days of Minnesota," said Bush, who was flanked at the annual turkey pardoning ceremony by Vice President Dick Cheney.

"The granting of the turkey pardon is not a responsibility that I take lightly," Bush added. Bush said the turkeys were named after "a nationwide election" on the White House Web site. "In the end, the voters made the choice, and it was a close election. You might say it was neck and neck," Bush said.

Marshmallow was designated the national Thanksgiving turkey at the ceremony. Cheney was seen grinning in the background as the turkey's handler wrestled the feisty 37-pound (16.8 kg) bird to the table.

The alternate national bird, Yam, was honored in absentia. "He's in a pickup truck hanging out by the South Lawn," Bush said.

For the past 15 years, turkeys lucky enough to be pardoned by the president were sent to Frying Pan Park in Virginia. But Marshmallow and Yam will instead travel to sunny southern California and retire in style at Disneyland in Anaheim. They will serve as honorary grand marshals at the park's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Well, it's comforting to know there's at least one thing our fearless leader isn't taking lightly.

But I suppose, when you've spent the past week running around Asia playing dress-up and return to find Hugo Chavez running around delivering humanitarian aid to poor Americans in the form of discounted home heating oil just to humiliate you, fluffy flightless fowl with brains the size of walnuts probably look rather friendly.

Here's something you may not know about this idiotic turkey pardon tradition: They pick out the birds based solely on which ones look prettiest on camera, and the two winners go through a four-month boot camp, led by trainers wearing dark jumpsuits meant to simulate business suits, on learning to behave themselves around camera flashes, grabby children and preening politicians.

And if you go to the White House Web site and read the transcripts of past pardons (shut up, I did it for something I was doing for a newspaper) you will find that this is the third year out of five that Dubya has used that god-awful "neck and neck" joke. I suppose it does afford a speck of hope that though they waste manpower and materiel on this every year (and this year devoted both Bush's and Cheney's time to it), at least they don't have people writing fresh material.

They must all be busy on Barney's next film opus. I hope it's Barney hopping around a quaint little shopping street in a lightly falling snow searching for the elusive, perfect gift for his master: all the political capital he's pissed away.

Oh, and a shiny new set of streamers for his bike! Whee!

I'm thankful I can still find the humor in this freakshow of a presidency.

But won't Vladimir get jealous?

Bush surprises Koizumi with Segway gift

In the latest sign of their chummy ties, U.S. President George W. Bush gave Japanese Prime Minister Junichiro Koizumi a surprise gift of a Segway electric scooter on Wednesday and urged him to take a spin.

Bush, who often refers to his warm friendship with Koizumi, gave the Japanese leader the upright two-wheeler ahead of a summit at which they reaffirmed their close diplomatic ties.

Bush was riding the vehicle when he met Koizumi outside the Kyoto State Guest House in the ancient Japanese capital, a Japanese pool report said.

Urged by Bush to give it a whirl, Koizumi took a brief 1 metre (3 ft) ride, and cried out, "Oh, very good."

Bush told the prime minister he'd given his father, former President George Bush, and mother, Barbara, Segways for their birthdays, adding he felt Koizumi was almost one of the family.

The close ties between the two allies were on public display later in the day when Bush told a news conference: "Prime Minister Koizumi is one of my best friends in the international community. I know the prime minister well.

"I trust his judgement. I admire his leadership."

The scooters can be tricky to ride. Bush fell off one two years ago but managed to land on his feet. It is also illegal to ride them on public byways in Japan.

Maybe it's just because I'm sleep-deprived, but this borders on positively filthy. And the mental image of Dubya, Bush Sr. and Barbara tooling around on Segways is amusing me far more than it should. "Damn it, George, you just steamrolled another small child!"

Religious rite should keep to own 'sacred space'

I think I may have discovered what’s been throwing off my karma all these years: If a new survey of Wisconsin public educators is to be believed, a disturbing fraction of my teachers have been praying for me without my knowledge or consent.

As reported in the State Journal, James Hartwick, a social studies professor at UW-Whitewater, polled state grade school teachers on the role prayer plays in their lives as part of his dissertation research. Of the 882 teachers Hartwick contacted, 317 responded. Among participants, 91.5 percent reported they pray.

Of those who pray, half said they pray for their students at least once per month. Seventy percent said they believe praying makes them better teachers, and 60 percent reported believing they had been “called by God” to teach.

Hartwick uses his results to argue for an “intelligent design”-style breach of the church-state wall in the name of intellectual freedom, calling for schools to pony up their public funds to send teachers on religious retreats and provide, in the vein of hospital chapels, “sacred spaces where teachers can privately draw upon inner resources.” (Apparently their thoughts don’t suffice.)

He also invites further study on whether prayer makes students higher achievers. Placebo effects and third variables aside, decades of studies have consistently indicated people with more education and higher IQs tend to be less religious. However devotees feel their faith enhances their lives, sectarianism does not a scholar make.

Still, according to Hartwick, by praying for their pupils, teachers can become more in tune with students’ needs. But unless you’re George W. Bush, prayer tends to be a one-way communication channel. Wouldn’t the direct approach–actually talking to students–accomplish that end minus the metaphysics?

The last thing I wanted in grade school was a conclave of teachers cloistered away in a “sacred” supply closet making divine entreaties on my behalf. I would have been content to have had any of them initiate a single cerebral discussion outside of class.

But that takes effort. The State Journal piece on Hartwick’s dissertation also quoted a Madison elementary school teacher who said she likes prayer because it “makes teaching easy,” and helps her realize she doesn’t have to bear the cross of educating the next generation by herself.

Though having the good Lord pick up teachers’ slack puts a decidedly fresh spin on “No Child Left Behind,” surely serving up prayer with pre-calculus is not the best way to catalyze students.

When schools across the state are resorting to referendums to keep their arts programs, electives and extracurriculars running, it makes little sense to argue their resources and energies should be further diverted from enriching the mind to stoking the spirit.

Besides, to those of us who are not religious–10 to 15 percent of the population–proselytizing is patronizing. Teachers should keep their prayers and give students of all spiritual persuasions material they can use to intellectually ascend.

If they put their minds to it, mere mortals can make classrooms “sacred spaces” for illumination and reflection without hosting otherworldly guest speakers–they just need to have faith in themselves.

Stirring speech

Well, I think I've changed my mind about President Bush. Seeing that shot of him standing in front of his wittle awmy twuck vowing not to leave Iraq before attaining "complete victory" just made me so proud to be an American. What a way to honor Veterans' Day, Mr. President, playing hypocritical politics to try and conjure public support for your bullshit war by painting your critics as unpatriotic. You even passed off the wreath-laying at the tomb of the unknown to, as my grandmother would say, "that fat grub Dick Cheney" so you could spout from your righteous soapbox. And it's good to know the same strategic rationale that helped give us 58,000 dead, several times that scarred Vietnam veterans to remember today is still kicking. But I suppose, we have to have fresh source material for Veterans' Days to come.

But they're still treated to 'torture lite'

Well, look at that - our fine Senate has passed a bill, tacked on to a military budget measure by Sen. Lindsey Graham, R.-SC, nullifying the Supreme Court decision that gave detainees at Guantanamo Bay the right to challenge their incarcerating in U.S. courts. Though it still has to pass the House and survive another bill to cut out that provision, its patron has this to say:

"It is not fair to our troops fighting in the war on terror to be sued in every court in the land by our enemies based on every possible complaint," Mr. Graham said. "We have done nothing today but return to the basics of the law of armed conflict where we are dealing with enemy combatants, not common criminals."

Yes, that's right - the troops themselves would be sued. By every court, on every possible complaint. Just a wee bit of hyperbole there, Mr. Graham, yes?

It's infuriating to hear one of these neocon tools talking about "the basics of the law of armed conflict" - get your damn "laws" straight, and, like all the social conservatives writing raunchy novels these days, stop trying to have it both ways. They keep calling it the "war on terror," yet they refuse to abide by any conventions of war. If it's a "war," then the detainees are "prisoners of war," and have to be treated accordingly. But that would entail not torturing them and giving them some possible means of proving they should not be there.

So instead, they made up that fancy little "enemy combatant" designation so the government can still do anything and lock up anyone without recourse in fricking prison camps to help those brave troops fighting to protect our freedom do their jobs. Which they wouldn't even have to do without this idiotic war spawning more terrorists - if this business with Zarqawi's movement expanding out of Iraq doesn't prove that nation was nowhere near the center of the "war on terror" until Bush invaded it, I don't know what does. But I suppose, as our gallant leader has said, at least we can fight them over there instead of over here. After all, other people don't matter. Especially when they're poor, brown and non-Christian.

Indoor voices, or just shut the hell up

I really don't have time to be wasting on this, as I am going delirious with sleep deprivation, but this article in today's New York Times was just too damn awesome: "At center of clash, rowdy children in coffee shops" by Jodi Wilgoren.

It's all about one gallant, coffee-shop-operating soul taking a stand against snooty suburban parents and their wailing banshee spwns in the northern Chicago suburbs.

For posting a sign on the door of his business asking that children within actually - get ready - behave themselves, he's earned himself a boycott.

Mr.McCauley, 44, said the protesting parents were "former cheerleaders and beauty queens" who "have a very strong sense of entitlement." In an open letter he handed out at the bakery, he warned of an "epidemic" of antisocial behavior.

"Part of parenting skills is teaching kids they behave differently in a restaurant than they do on the playground," Mr. McCauley said in an interview. "If you send out positive energy, positive energy returns to you. If you send out energy that says I'm the only one that matters, it's going to be a pretty chaotic world."

And so simmers another skirmish between the childless and the child-centered, a culture clash increasingly common in restaurants and other public spaces as a new generation of busy, older, well-off parents ferry little ones with them.

An online petition urging child-free sections in North Carolina restaurants drew hundreds of signers, including Janelle Funk, who wrote, "Whenever a hostess asks me 'smoking or non-smoking?' I respond, 'No kids!'"

That's the best idea I've heard in a long time - child free zones. Now, I'm hesitant to side with the "real family" conservatives on social matters, but seeing as how they constantly contradict themselves, sometimes it's unavoidable: If some guy wants to give his business a more grown up, reserved, quiet ambiance - and not give screeching spawns free run of the place - leave him the hell alone. Can't certain spaces be child-free any more? It's not that strange a concept. I mean, unless of course they're my dad, parents don't drag their kids out to bars, for instance. (And as my mother pointed out, single, middle-aged adults can't sit down on a bench in a playground and read a newspaper without inciting suspicion or worse.) But apparently, times are changing. Whatever happened to heartless capitalism in all its shining, flag-rippling, exclude-whomever-you-please-from-your-private-enterprise glory?

Here in Chicago, parents have denounced Toast, a popular Lincoln Park breakfast spot, as unwelcoming since a note about using inside voices appeared on the menu six months ago. The owner of John's Place, which resembles a kindergarten class at recess in early evening, established a separate "family friendly" room a year ago, only to face parental threats of lawsuits.

Many of the Andersonville mothers who are boycotting Mr. McCauley's bakery also skip story time at Women and Children First, a feminist bookstore, because of the rules: children can be kicked out for standing, talking or sipping drinks. When a retail clerk at the bookstore asked a woman to stop breast-feeding last spring, "the neighborhood set him straight real fast," said Mary Ann Smith, the area's alderwoman.

Yes, because heaven forbid you and your precious little angels might have to acknowledge, for a mere moment, the fact that other people exist. And maybe, just maybe, entertain the notion that those other people who exist have the right not to be bothered.

"The looks I would get when I went in there made me so nervous that I would try to buy the food as fast as I could and get out," said Laura Brauer, 40, who has stopped visiting A Taste of Heaven with her two children. "I think that the mothers who allow their kids to run around and scream, that's wrong, but kids scream and there is nothing you can do about it. What are we supposed to do, not enjoy ourselves at a cafe?" ...

Kim Cavitt recalled having coffee and a cookie one afternoon with her boisterous 2-year-old when "someone came over and said you just need to keep her quiet or you need to leave."

"We left, and we haven't been back since," Ms. Cavitt said. "You go to a coffee shop or a bakery for a rest, to relax, and that you would have to worry the whole time about your child doing something that children do - really what they're saying is they don't welcome children, they want the child to behave like an adult."

Exactly - people go to coffee shops to relax. And it's difficult for the rest of us to do that with your freaking gremlins screaming like howler monkeys and bouncing around wreaking havoc. But you, rich, married, suburbran mother, are the only one who matters, aren't you? Why can't the rest of us just see it your way?

Mr. McCauley said he would rather go out of business than back down. He likens this one small step toward good manners to his personal effort to decrease pollution by hiring only people who live close enough to walk to work.

"I can't change the situation in Iraq, I can't change the situation in New Orleans," he said. "But I can change this little corner of the world."

Rock on, brother. Rock on and rock hard.

"Sorry, pumpkin–that dolly supports sexual deviants and murderers."

Social conservatives threatening to boycott the American Girl doll and book series might have had a case had the company come out with a new character who slept around, volunteered at Planned Parenthood and came accessorized with a miniature coat hanger–but the reality is even more ridiculous.

In the hierarchy of controversial corporations, they don’t come much less incendiary than American Girl. Created in 1986 by Middleton’s own Pleasant Company, its characters live politically correct history (cutting off at World War II, well before the country’s free-lovin’ moral decline) and embody ultra-patriotic values.

But American Girl has offended pro-life and “pro-family” groups by selling wristbands in its stores and online to support Girls Inc., a non-profit organization that perpetuates the hedonistic philosophy that, in the words of its president, “women should have the right to make decisions about themselves.”

American Girl claims the wristbands fund programs promoting leadership, athletics, science and math for young girls; conservatives want to add abortion, lesbianism and wanton sex to that list.

Citing statements made in the “advocacy” section of Girls Inc.’s Web site supporting Roe v. Wade, unhindered access to contraception and open discussion and acceptance of sexuality, conservative groups are now petitioning American Girl threatening boycotts and store pickets unless it terminates ties to Girls Inc.

In response, American Girl issued a statement expressing disappointment that “certain groups have chosen to misconstrue American Girl’s purely altruistic efforts and turn them into a broader political statement on issues that we, as a corporation, have no position.”

Indeed, if corporations these days were tied to issue positions by where their funds flowed, they would have more bedfellows than even the most prodigious little Lolita.

Girls Inc. received gifts from hundreds of corporate donors in 2004, including Johnson & Johnson, Kraft Foods, IBM, Toyota, the NFL, Coca-Cola, PepsiCo, and virtually every major media conglomerate and telecommunications provider, to name a mere sampling. Good conservatives had better boycott them all. (And move to another country: The Centers for Disease Control gave at least $1 million to Girls Inc. last year.)

American Girl’s parent company is Mattel, meaning Barbie, Sesame Street, Disney, Looney Tunes and Fischer-Price are all off limits. Conservatives can’t even play Bushism Scrabble or duke out red states vs. blue with their Rock’em Sock’em Robots without being hypocrites.

They can’t turn to GI Joe, either–Hasbro’s charitable arm doesn’t give grants to religious organizations or discriminate based on sexual orientation, and recently donated to Powerful Voices, another girl-empowering group that ominously says it provides education “rooted in science.”

Plainly, trying to stay ideologically in step with not merely the producers, distributors and sellers of every product you buy but also everyone in their funding webs would require an entirely separate values-based economy.

But instead of withdrawing, perhaps the social conservatives could contribute their own toys, like an “American Abortion Survivor” series of huggable little fetuses that come with books spinning all the upstanding moral adventures they will have if given chances at life. (They could even hire a likely struggling Bill Bennett to pen a cautionary tale about a token minority fetus.)

That way, everyone would win: capitalism and democracy would be affirmed, tradition would endure and budding Ann Coulters across the land would be in sheer rapture.