This land was made for you and me, I'll just be over here
Glenn Beck, Sarah Palin and untold underwhelming numbers of Tea Partiers will rally in DC this weekend, for or against whatever it is they're for or against these days. (Taxes? Mosques? The socialist international farce that was the Miss Universe pageant?)
A Maine Tea Party travel guide for these intrepid pilgrims has been making the rounds, most notably for its tiny "safe zone" where Tea Partiers may fearlessly tread and not be tread on.
By way of welcome, here are some more helpful DC travel tips:
• On the Metro, the green line and yellow line are not safe, especially after dark. If it's a color that's not on your flag, just stay away.
• It's true, DC cab drivers are often "immigrants." If you simply can't bear the awkward silence this creates for you and its implicit invitation for self-reflection, in the time it takes you to hail a cab not driven by one of DC's many "refugees," you could probably walk to your destination and back.
• If one of those "refugees" pops up near you in the crowd when it's time for the big Tea Party event, don't fear. Having a minority next to you is like having the gold star on the bottom of your paper plate at a baby shower, you could win a prize.
• "As a rule, African immigrants do not like for you to assume they are African Americans and especially do not like for you to guess they are from a neighboring country (e.g. Eritrea, Ethiopia, Somalia)." Just think how you would feel if you were a Wisconsinite and someone presumed you were a Yooper, or mentioned Brett Favre.
• If you find yourself suddenly surrounded by good restaurants, well-dressed people and an odd miasma of positivity, don't panic, you may have veered into a "gay area." The locals will let you escape to safety, but don't make eye contact, or you'll soon realize nobody's interested in you.
• Don't patronize Caribou Coffee, because despite the enticingly Palin-esque name, its free wifi may restrict your God-given access to "adult" sites. Pause a moment at one of the war memorials to thank our veterans for defending your right to look at good old fashioned smut in Starbucks while slurping a $6 Frappuccino.
• Fast food isn't terribly ubiquitous in DC, and there are barely any always-closed-on-Sunday Chick-fil-A safe-havens. For something that closely replicates the blandness and unpleasant textures of your favorite chain, try Ethiopian food.
• That's African, so if that scares you, some other international foods -- like Illy coffee, Indian lunch buffets, Eric Ripert's fancy French bistro -- are apparently OK. Tea Party organizers understand, it's hard to blow right past all that cognitive dissonance on an empty stomach.
• You now have Nancy Pelosi's home address. Use this power to show her why she should take you seriously by screaming outside a building she's probably not even in. The humidity may even lift enough by the end of the week that it might be pleasant effigy-burning weather.
• You may have heard that the World War II Memorial is not a swimming pool. But until anyone tells you otherwise, you can still roast marshmallows over the JFK eternal flame.
A Maine Tea Party travel guide for these intrepid pilgrims has been making the rounds, most notably for its tiny "safe zone" where Tea Partiers may fearlessly tread and not be tread on.
By way of welcome, here are some more helpful DC travel tips:
• On the Metro, the green line and yellow line are not safe, especially after dark. If it's a color that's not on your flag, just stay away.
• It's true, DC cab drivers are often "immigrants." If you simply can't bear the awkward silence this creates for you and its implicit invitation for self-reflection, in the time it takes you to hail a cab not driven by one of DC's many "refugees," you could probably walk to your destination and back.
• If one of those "refugees" pops up near you in the crowd when it's time for the big Tea Party event, don't fear. Having a minority next to you is like having the gold star on the bottom of your paper plate at a baby shower, you could win a prize.
• "As a rule, African immigrants do not like for you to assume they are African Americans and especially do not like for you to guess they are from a neighboring country (e.g. Eritrea, Ethiopia, Somalia)." Just think how you would feel if you were a Wisconsinite and someone presumed you were a Yooper, or mentioned Brett Favre.
• If you find yourself suddenly surrounded by good restaurants, well-dressed people and an odd miasma of positivity, don't panic, you may have veered into a "gay area." The locals will let you escape to safety, but don't make eye contact, or you'll soon realize nobody's interested in you.
• Don't patronize Caribou Coffee, because despite the enticingly Palin-esque name, its free wifi may restrict your God-given access to "adult" sites. Pause a moment at one of the war memorials to thank our veterans for defending your right to look at good old fashioned smut in Starbucks while slurping a $6 Frappuccino.
• Fast food isn't terribly ubiquitous in DC, and there are barely any always-closed-on-Sunday Chick-fil-A safe-havens. For something that closely replicates the blandness and unpleasant textures of your favorite chain, try Ethiopian food.
• That's African, so if that scares you, some other international foods -- like Illy coffee, Indian lunch buffets, Eric Ripert's fancy French bistro -- are apparently OK. Tea Party organizers understand, it's hard to blow right past all that cognitive dissonance on an empty stomach.
• You now have Nancy Pelosi's home address. Use this power to show her why she should take you seriously by screaming outside a building she's probably not even in. The humidity may even lift enough by the end of the week that it might be pleasant effigy-burning weather.
• You may have heard that the World War II Memorial is not a swimming pool. But until anyone tells you otherwise, you can still roast marshmallows over the JFK eternal flame.
posted by Holly at 2:32 AM
