Stilettos leave smaller carbon footprints, right?

If you've been feeling a bit more riddled with existential angst than usual lately, good news: You now have a way to "atone for carbon guilt" by purchasing personal carbon offsets.

Yes, carbon guilt.

You know, that feeling you get when you "take public transportation to work, use energy-saving light bulbs and turn off the air conditioner when you're not home —- but still you feel somewhat guilty that your lifestyle isn't totally pollution-free."

Yeah, neither do I. Oh to have a mental landscape so otherwise uncluttered.

Al Gore, you're still my personal hero for turning a failed presidential bid -- heretofore a one-way black hole to chronic inefficacy and essence-defining shame -- into a springboard to millions of dollars in personal wealth, global respect and adoration and a top-tier forum for the issues you fancy.

But I refuse to feel as though every time I bask in the rich, comforting, flattering glow of an incandescent bulb, I'm effectively melting an iceberg out from underneath a wide-eyed baby seal. All that free-floating anxiety can't be good for the ozone layer.

I know it's not easy being green and all, but at this rate we'll soon be talking Kermit down from a ledge.