Forget Gore, can we draft Tim Gunn?

While Al Gore's was busy winning Oscars, ex-Mass. Gov. Mitt Romney's super-secret presidential strategy PowerPoint presentation somehow found its way to the Boston Globe this week, offering us all a chilling, yet tantalizing whiff of the horrific phantasms that haunt Republicans' nightmares:

The plan, for instance, indicates that Romney will define himself in part by focusing on and highlighting enemies and adversaries, such common political targets as "jihadism," the "Washington establishment," and taxes, but also Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, "European-style socialism," and, specifically, France. Even Massachusetts, where Romney has lived for almost 40 years, is listed as one of those "bogeymen," alongside liberalism and Hollywood values.

... Enmity toward France, where Romney did his Mormon mission during college, is a recurring theme of the document. The European Union, it says at one point, wants to "drag America down to Europe's standards," adding: "That's where Hillary and Dems would take us. Hillary = France." The plan even envisions "First, not France" bumper stickers.

My, that's catchy. And almost borderline sensical. Come on, children, did we learn nothing from "freedom fries?" And aren't Hillary's pantsuits bad enough without adding a beret?

Speaking of the politics of fashion, amazing how it took almost one full news cycle to get the first Al Gore fat jokes and stories about how Hillary's camp is on "girth"-watch for a sudden bout of bid-signalling weight loss.

Now, I thought the comic execution of Gore's orchestrally abbreviated Oscar bit was spot on. And for everyone ripping on how he was straining the seams of his tux, cut the man some slack, he looked roundly presentable. (Apparently the "feminists" couldn't spare a few voices from the Jennifer Hudson-hailing chorus to protest, "But, he's not fat, he's real!")

Not that the bar was set particularly high above the red carpet -- if not for Maggie Gyllenhaal, Gwneyth Paltrow and the unflappable, incomparable Cate Blanchett, I would have thought my Oscar broadcast had somehow been crossed with the live feed of some especially tacky high school prom. Where did everyone shop this year, a discount bridal warehouse? Have all the Hollywood stylists gone east and metamorphosed into Washington image consultants?

Not that some of the '08 candidates couldn't use the help -- but if your own internal strategy documents use the word "rapacious" to describe you, having hair that "looks too perfect" is probably the least of your worries.

For style itself is a form of substance, and either you have it, or you're out.