Defending liberty, one freedom-hating credit card offer at a time

Remember when the only mail-borne hazards you had to worry about were anthrax and disgruntled postal workers?

According to (grantedly hyperbolic) reports, you've now got to watch out for the prying eyes of President Bush and his anti-terror posse panning for nefarious communiques.

I suppose if your Highlights hidden picture puzzles have been arriving at your door mysteriously (albeit partially) completed; or your sealed copy of Vogue arrived with Dick Cheney's head on Angelina Jolie's body; or your Christmas cards were delivered bearing Reagan stamps of unexplained origin; or you keep finding stains shaped suspiciously like the bottom of a juice box on your envelopes (oh, I could go on all night), at least now you know who's behind it.

And I commend their restraint in at least not hand-checking all the "hate her" boxes on that Time magazine Hillary Clinton cover a few months back. Or going all "Situation Room" on Obama/Osama every time either's name appears in print.

But what next? If they're reading my e-mail, tapping my phone and now pilfering my post, I think they should just start paying my bills. Or, hell, I'm a reasonable woman -- at least start slipping some nice salon coupons into my Val-Pak or something.

I mean, aren't they worried someone of my fickle feminine persuasion is just one bad hair day away from tossing on a head scarf and blowing up a monument? Jeeze, people, get pro-active.