Cover your jugulars, it's VP Cheney's favorite night

Supposedly you can deduce quite a bit about a person from his or her eating habits – so what, exactly, does it say about President Bush that, when he has a gourmet chef at his personal disposal, he still favors dishes that read like something off an especially unimaginative children's menu?

However you slice it, it doesn't exactly bode well that the leader of the free world doesn't like "green food" and enjoys savoring the decadent feast for the senses that is the "grilled-cheese sandwich on white bread with Kraft singles." (Gee, is that served with a side of "freshly-simmered Campbell's Tomato Soup garnished with a school of slightly stale Cheddar Goldfish?")

In that spirit, I've taken the liberty of concocting a sampling of festive treats that should be on this year's White House Halloween menu – I guarantee, you'll want to make doubly sure you beat House Speaker Hastert to this buffet table:

• The Seasonally Embellished, Firm Yet Flexible Dessert Pastries Formerly Known As Stay-The-Course Petits Fours

• Osama bin Laden Tootsie-Pop Ghosts! (Oooh, scary – watch out, he's gonna getcha!)

• Fresh-Pulled, Salt-Water-Boarded Taffy

• Remember those gross black and orange wrapped peanut butter things always left at the bottom of your trick-or-treat bag alongside all the other crap that sucked, like Smarties and plastic anti-abortion fetuses? They're now going by "Katherine Harris Delights."

• Tony Snow's Spiderwebs of Subterfuge Cupcakes

• Crispy, Oven-Baked Pumpkin Seeds Lightly Salted And Seasoned With DEMOCRATS WILL RAISE YOUR TAXES AND MAKE YOU MARRY GAYS!!!!!!

• Witches' Brew With Eye of Pelosi and Hair of Hillary

• Kim Jong Il's Popcorn Balls of Concentrated Nuclear Evil... Served With Delicious Candy Corn!

• Hand-Dipped Caramel Apples Served "Au Foley" (laced with GHB and/or razor blades)

• Novelty Headstone Sugar Cookies Iced With The Names of the Incumbent GOP Congressional Delegation


And, just as an extra special treat, check out the new and reigning best campaign ad of the season. Happy Halloween!