If god is their co-pilot, he appears to be drunk

While Vatican officials are no doubt too busy reinforcing the bullet-proof glass on the Pope Mobile to bother with smiting my eternal soul, once again, I'd like to take a moment thank current events for reiterating one of my basic tenants of philosophy for living - that religion is among the absolute most idiotic and unstable platforms upon which to construct identity or argue from. I swear, it's the San Andreas fault or Gulf Coast hurricane zone of the metaphysical topography, because no tenants are ever going to compromise, much less pack up and leave.

The latest interdenominational uproar and unwinnable pontifical pissing contest stems from Pope Benedict's recent quotation of a medieval scholar calling Islam's notion of holy war "evil and inhuman," allegedly as part of a blanket condemnation of violence in the name of religion and a call for dialogue among faiths that, as they say, went a bit awry. Now, I realize he's relatively new on the global spiritual leadership scene and all, but anyone at all acquainted with politics can tell you it doesn't matter what you mean – it matters what you say and how vocal and influential a contingent you offend when you say it.

And in the realm of "interfaith dialogue," it's perfectly OK to spout things like this when followers of another figmental figure cast the first stone:

"You infidels and despots, we will continue our jihad (holy war) and never stop until God avails us to chop your necks and raise the fluttering banner of monotheism, when God's rule is established governing all people and nations," said the statement by the Mujahedeen Shura Council, an umbrella organization of Sunni Arab extremist groups in Iraq. ...

"If the stupid pig is prancing with his blasphemies in his house," [Another Iraqi extremist group, Ansar al-Sunna] said in a Web statement, referring to the pope, "then let him wait for the day coming soon when the armies of the religion of right knock on the walls of Rome."

Productive, reasonable and eloquent stuff there, all right. It just makes you pause and marvel at man's capacity for reaching collective enlightenment through faith. And of course, guess which glimmering "Christian nation" gets dragged into the papal fray by mere virtue of existing:

In Iran, supreme leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei used the comments to call for protests against the United States. He argued that while the pope may have been deceived into making his remarks, the words give the West an "excuse for suppressing Muslims" by depicting them as terrorists.

Seriously, before the churches start exploding or those "America is 80 percent Christian!" polls get too widely disseminated and both fanatical factions finally get the full-on holy war they've been salivating for, can those of us who aren't Christians or are roundly unaffiliated with the entire deitistical enterprise get some kind of symbol or something to wear so we don't get taken out in the canonical crossfire? Like trendy "Not My Pontiff" T-shirts with edgy little Warhol-esque renderings of the pope on them?

But, I suppose, the almighty feelings were hurt, so all is justified:

"His comments really hurt Muslims all over the world," Umar Nawawi of the radical Islamic Defenders' Front said in Jakarta. "We should remind him not to say such things which can only fuel a holy war."

How, by starting one first instead of taking the high road of reason? That'll learn 'im, all right. Good job, boys, way to be earthly envoys of the good, the just, the beautiful and the harmonious.

What were our silly founding fathers thinking trying to keep religion out of politics?