Sometimes "value" is just a synonym for "cheap"

I wasn't going to indulge this idiotic and insulting excuse for leadership known as the "American Values Agenda" with any further attention, but just a couple days in I've already had about all I can stomach of Republican lawmakers wasting time, energy, power, media attention and tax dollars on the legislative equivalent of jacking off with one hand while waving the flag with the other.

And lest you accuse me of hyperbole, here's just one example of what your fine "representatives" have been up to lately:

House Republicans, who have the ability to dictate the floor schedule, got a head start on their agenda during the day, winning approval of legislation designed to guarantee members of condominium associations or similar groups the right to display the American flag.

Well, I know I'll be sleeping better tonight knowing that while whirligigs and pink flamingos can be restricted in the name of community aesthetic conformity, Old Glory can still fly unfettered. Such profound and consequential injustice being averted here, all right. And that's just the beginning:

"The American Values Agenda will defend America's founding principles," Speaker J. Dennis Hastert said. "Through this agenda, we will work to protect the faith of our people, the sanctity of life and freedoms outlined by our founding fathers."

Of course, that means they're out to erode separation of church and state in favor of codifying more Christianity, restrict abortion and amp up the amendments they agree with (guns and intrusive police searches for everybody!) while ignoring the others, especially that pesky first one.

What exactly do Republicans have in store for the coming weeks? Attempting to bar confiscation of firearms by law enforcement officers seeking to restore order during emergencies, for one. Because if there's anything to be learned and righted following the Gulf Coast debacle, it's that we need as many firearms as possible on chaos- and disaster-ravaged streets–it says so in the Bill of Rights.

And lest anyone call this administration hostile to or dismissive of scientists, we'll all get to hear from some fine examples who claim abortion causes such searing agony to unwanted uterine interlopers that women seeking the procedure should be notified under a federal "fetal pain" law and given the option of doping their budding embryos (probably quite literally) to the gills to ease their suffering.

And though the gay marriage horse may be dead, it apparently is not yet beaten to a bloody enough pulp, for the marriage amendment is also back on the agenda.

Then there's the "Pledge Protection Act," which would specifically ban the federal judiciary–you know, that third, constitutionally coequal branch of government–from taking up cases involving the Pledge of Allegiance and its inclusion of "under God." The House Judiciary Committee shot it down Wednesday, but chairman James Sensenbrenner, R-Wis., is planning another vote because several Republicans, illustrating just how vital this matter is, didn't bother to show up the first time.

Nonetheless, that's not stopping his cohorts from running the Karl Rove classic "say the exact opposite of what you're doing" play by invoking the same founding fathers who explicitly kept religion out of the Constitution and constructed a government on secular principles precisely to preserve religious freedom to argue for institutionalizing and politicizing their particular faith:

"Radical courts have attempted to gut our religious freedom and redefine the value system on which America was built. We hope to restore some of those basic values through passing this legislative agenda and renewing our country's commitment to faith, freedom and life," Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Ill., said Tuesday.

Now, call me crazy, but as far as I'm aware, you're still free NOT to have an abortion, NOT to marry or consort with someone of the same gender and NOT to do all sorts of other things if they conflict with your personal (and that's the operative word) religious beliefs. Plus you get to practice and express whatever faith you fancy and recite whatever religious mantras you like, including the Pledge in public schools, if it makes you feel all good about yourself.

But, silly me–as long as their way isn't decreed to be everyone's, poor Christians, who comprise a mere 80 percent of the population, are under attack, and with them our very national way of life:

"Family, faith, patriotism and hard work bind us together as Americans. Our laws should reflect those priorities, and House Republicans are committed to the American Values Agenda, policies that stress the core values on which our nation was built," said Rep. Roy Blunt of Missouri, third-ranking member of the leadership.

So, what, people not in "ideal" family units and non-Christians (and all those factions of Christians who disagree with the ruling ones about what their faith means), plus lazy people and those without boisterous nationalistic spirits should just move?

Honestly, denizens of the legislative branch, do you people realize the opportunities and power you have to solve actual, physical problems and be a positive force in people's lives? I realize many of you seem to think that by preaching about faith and families and patriotism you're doing divine work and making everyone's lives better by morally micro-managing them, but you're really just wasting everyone's time and betraying your own gifts and abilities, whatever being or document or principle you choose to believe bestowed them.

You're even driving me to irrational optimism regarding the electorate when I say that I sincerely hope voters' priorities are better reasoned than yours–and that the flag-burning amendment and its inane kin won't get resurrected:

The vote is likely to be an issue in the Congressional elections in November, and Senator Orrin G. Hatch, the Utah Republican who was the chief sponsor of the amendment, predicted the minority who opposed it would be held accountable by the voters.

Yeah, I know I've been keeping meticulous track of who voted where on that one, and I'm out for blood on election day from those who dare scoff at protecting vulnerable pieces of cloth and act like the adult lawmakers they are. In fact, I might just try to vote multiple times in multiple states just so I can wreak as much patriotic vengeance as possible.

But if supposedly progressive Democrats like Howard Dean and Barack Obama keep talking about how the party has to "find religion" and authentically embrace it to reach out to evangelical voters, giving us one more reason not to vote for any member of their entire inarticulate, spineless loser lot, it will be a minor miracle if many of us bother to vote at all.