Everyone's a suspect - it's net neutrality!

Just when I was starting to get nostalgic for the days of using "Hi, Mr. Ashcroft!" as my e-mail signature, in the name of truth, justice and the new American way, FBI Director Robert Mueller and Attorney General Roberto Gonzales have been meeting with major Internet companies to discuss the feasibility of storing data on customers' Internet use, which the Justice Department could then subpoena to fight not just the traditional child pornography and terrorism, but lawlessness in general.

While initial proposals were vague, executives from companies that attended the meeting said they gathered that the department was interested in records that would allow them to identify which individuals visited certain Web sites and possibly conducted searches using certain terms.

It also wants the Internet companies to retain records about whom their users exchange e-mail with, but not the contents of e-mail messages, the executives said. The executives spoke on the condition that they not be identified because they did not want to offend the Justice Department.

At least they're not busy slashing Homeland Security funds to actual potential targets while funneling more toward "middle America" lest they injure any state's self-esteem by declaring it not equally deserving of a terrorist attack as any other, but this isn't much more productive.

Who among us wouldn't look like a complete and utter deviant ne'er-do-well if we were being evaluated solely by our online activity?

Hell, if I had a list before me keeping a running tally of every term I've typed into Google, I would probably scan it over, then immediately head for my closet to try and figure out which shoes and accessories best compliment the orange jumpsuits at Guantanamo.

And never mind the logistical snags. For instance, sites innocuous on their own can combine to paint a highly suspicious portrait: visiting MapQuest, the Census Bureau site and this amusing supplier of custom-diseased lab animals alone would be enough to brand you a bioterrorist.

But for now, this is just a proposal. In the meantime, to protect ourselves and our nation, I think we should all begin censoring ourselves so the fine protectors of freedom in our government don't have to do it for us:

• Clear your e-mail contact list of suspicious looking addresses like "deathtoamerica @ hotmail.com" or "crazy_achmed @ gmail.com."

• Curtail your use of @:-)# and any other emoticon that could conceivably be wearing a turban and/or explosives.

• Remove from your Facebook profile any pictures of yourself suggestively posing with a piece of artillery.

• Unsubscribe from the "Friends of Hillary" e-mail list immediately. (Which you really should do anyway.)

• If you need to look up information on the finer points of weaponizing viruses or improvising bombs, skip the search engine and head for your local public library, where thanks to the renewed USA Patriot Act, your government already has the legal authority to monitor what you're reading, for your own protection.