At least you can always talk to the squirrels

Here's a nice self-esteem boost for those of us who have no one we can genuinely count on to notice or care whether we live or die other than family members and people we owe money or work–it seems there are now so many of us that sociologists are worried our aggregate hermitude is unraveling the great American "social safety net."

According to data collected by Duke University researchers, "Nearly a quarter of people surveyed said they had 'zero' close friends with whom to discuss personal matters."

The survey, conducted annually since 1972, has tracked a decrease in close friendships starting in the mid-1980s, which researchers suggest might stem from increasing workaholism and changing patterns of habitation and community involvement that make it less organic for people to get together and recognize commonalities.

Not only does this increasing isolation harm individual lives, argues the lead researcher, but it also compounds broader disasters and emergencies, especially for poorer people, who tend to have fewer friends (how delightfully Republican–if you don't have the money to buy friends, you're doubly screwed):

"It's one thing to know someone and exchange e-mails with them. It's another thing to say, 'Will you give me a ride out of town with all of my possessions and pets? And can I stay with you for a couple or three months?" Smith-Lovin said.

Well, no kidding–that's what families are for. You can impose on them all you want during the hard times because they have no choice but to listen, oblige and remain tied to you.

With friendships, the odds of meeting and connecting with someone in synch with you on key matters who will voluntarily associate with you are downright astronomical, even when it's all sunshine and roses. Why would you then want to jeopardize it by unloading on them about your problems and asking things of them when in need?

It seems plausible to me that we as a society are merely realizing this "friendship" business is often an untenable catch-22.

Friends are over-rated, anyway. By definition, they're quite a lot like you. And come on, you suck.