Always practice safe syntax
In the wake of the surgeon general's statement on the dangers of secondhand smoke, there's all sorts of talk wafting around about smoking bans like the one here in Madison–and how to make them more politically palatable by starting with laws protecting children.
Because, naturally, children have more of a right to protection from clouds of carcinogens than the rest of us who already have comparatively more years of relatively tumor-free existence behind us.
Indeed, it's a sad fact of American life that often, there's just no way to protect children from their own and their parents' stupidity without abusing everyone else's freedom.
And as Sen. John Kerry so gallantly reminded us all on the Senate floor Tuesday during debate on that asinine flag desecration amendment, "In the United States of America, you have a right to be stupid."
Gee, maybe he could have been president after all.
Nonetheless, in these troubled times, it is our collective duty to reach out to protect the precious, precious children–even skanky 14-year-olds who meet 19-year-olds on MySpace and then sue for $30 million alleging rape.
With all the recent publicity surrounding the dangers of online predators, including statistics claiming one in five children has been sexually solicited online, I think we could all benefit from a refresher on some basic safety tips for Internet socializing:
• If someone harasses you online, says anything inappropriate or does anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, contact your Internet service provider. Odds are they already have federal law enforcement officers close by, sealed up in their secret room just down the hall "monitoring" private e-mails.
• A "friend" you meet online may not be the best person to talk to if you are having problems at home, with your friends, or at school–they may not be who you think they are, and you may wind up being victimized. Seek out an adult in your school, neighborhood or church instead. They never molest anybody.
• Choose screen names that are nondescript and do not identify you as a child or an otherwise tempting target of unwanted attention. Try things like "i_<3_ann_coulter" or "herpeschick" if you'd rather the Cassanovas let you be.
• Online safety isn't just for kids–adults should also maintain a healthy skepticism when socializing online. Internet dating sites in particular are part of a parallel universe in which 5'7" equals 6'1" and a "fat sack of crap" magically becomes "athletic," so beware.
• Internet-savvy adults should also consider volunteering at your local library, school or Boys & Girls Club to share your know-how and help younger children learn to use the Internet safely. You certainly won't run into any pedophile suspicion there.
• Maintain your privacy–don't post pictures of yourself online. Everyone knows they're liberally Photoshopped and stragetically cropped anyway.
• If you become aware of the sharing, use or viewing of offensive, vile and morally bankrupt images online, immediately notify appropriate authorities. But be aware that while they can prosecute cases of child pornography, David Hasselhoff videos still qualify as free and protected speech.
• Be sure to save transcripts of all your IM sessions. With the Justice Department admittedly arresting people for crimes "more aspirational than operational" and now claiming its goal is "prevention through prosecution," now might be the perfect time to get rid of annoying rivals and ex-boyfriends by steering the conversation toward al Qaeda or presidential assassination.
• And finally, here's a tip you'll only get here: Misspellings, emoticons and acronyms are potent aphrodisiacs for sexual predators–use them at your own risk, for they are the textual equivalent of walking through a dark alley in a vinyl mini skirt, drunk. Proper English is your online rape whistle. Blow it hard and blow it proud.
Because, naturally, children have more of a right to protection from clouds of carcinogens than the rest of us who already have comparatively more years of relatively tumor-free existence behind us.
Indeed, it's a sad fact of American life that often, there's just no way to protect children from their own and their parents' stupidity without abusing everyone else's freedom.
And as Sen. John Kerry so gallantly reminded us all on the Senate floor Tuesday during debate on that asinine flag desecration amendment, "In the United States of America, you have a right to be stupid."
Gee, maybe he could have been president after all.
Nonetheless, in these troubled times, it is our collective duty to reach out to protect the precious, precious children–even skanky 14-year-olds who meet 19-year-olds on MySpace and then sue for $30 million alleging rape.
With all the recent publicity surrounding the dangers of online predators, including statistics claiming one in five children has been sexually solicited online, I think we could all benefit from a refresher on some basic safety tips for Internet socializing:
• If someone harasses you online, says anything inappropriate or does anything that makes you feel uncomfortable, contact your Internet service provider. Odds are they already have federal law enforcement officers close by, sealed up in their secret room just down the hall "monitoring" private e-mails.
• A "friend" you meet online may not be the best person to talk to if you are having problems at home, with your friends, or at school–they may not be who you think they are, and you may wind up being victimized. Seek out an adult in your school, neighborhood or church instead. They never molest anybody.
• Choose screen names that are nondescript and do not identify you as a child or an otherwise tempting target of unwanted attention. Try things like "i_<3_ann_coulter" or "herpeschick" if you'd rather the Cassanovas let you be.
• Online safety isn't just for kids–adults should also maintain a healthy skepticism when socializing online. Internet dating sites in particular are part of a parallel universe in which 5'7" equals 6'1" and a "fat sack of crap" magically becomes "athletic," so beware.
• Internet-savvy adults should also consider volunteering at your local library, school or Boys & Girls Club to share your know-how and help younger children learn to use the Internet safely. You certainly won't run into any pedophile suspicion there.
• Maintain your privacy–don't post pictures of yourself online. Everyone knows they're liberally Photoshopped and stragetically cropped anyway.
• If you become aware of the sharing, use or viewing of offensive, vile and morally bankrupt images online, immediately notify appropriate authorities. But be aware that while they can prosecute cases of child pornography, David Hasselhoff videos still qualify as free and protected speech.
• Be sure to save transcripts of all your IM sessions. With the Justice Department admittedly arresting people for crimes "more aspirational than operational" and now claiming its goal is "prevention through prosecution," now might be the perfect time to get rid of annoying rivals and ex-boyfriends by steering the conversation toward al Qaeda or presidential assassination.
• And finally, here's a tip you'll only get here: Misspellings, emoticons and acronyms are potent aphrodisiacs for sexual predators–use them at your own risk, for they are the textual equivalent of walking through a dark alley in a vinyl mini skirt, drunk. Proper English is your online rape whistle. Blow it hard and blow it proud.
posted by Holly at 5:03 AM
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