My fellow Americans, amnesty is for pansies
In case you missed President Bush's address to the nation on immigration Monday evening, here's what you need to know:
• As you can see in the above screen capture from the AP, our fearless leader decided to forgo any attempt to look stately and professional at his desk in the Oval Office, instead electing to clutter up the background with busy flags and a bunch of tacky family photos that clashed with the dumpy paisley draperies. Supposedly they tried to squeeze in a few more American flags as well, but that sent test viewers into seizures–paroxysms of patriotism so intense, the FCC ruled them obscene.
• The president cordially pretended to ask Congress for legal authority to do something, as if everyone didn't already know he's The Decider, who does what he fancies and doesn't need permission from a constitutionally coequal branch of government to act, damn it.
• Bush talked about stationing National Guard troops on the Mexican border for the next year to improve security with new technology. Critics argue military and homeland security resources are already stretched thin, especially given behind-the-scenes projects like the domestic eavesdropping National Phone Call Database of Doom, but just think–they won't even have to waste any money or man-hours covering this one up. Besides, I just saw on our local news that our two, lame shopping malls got a $100,000 grant from Homeland Security because they're the closest thing this city has to potential terrorist targets–plainly, they give away these funds like candy.
• The president mentioned the importance of ending the "catch and release" policy that too often sends captured illegal immigrants back into society because authorities don't have the resources to hold them. The next sentence about closing the PR-stain that is Guantanamo and re-opening it as an offshore "detention resort" must have been edited for time. It was "24" night, after all.
• Like everything else in this country, if you're got a real family, the president alluded to the fact that you're just a little bit better than other illegal immigrants.
• And finally, President Bush urged us to remember, though the illegal immigration issue is divisive, we can all find common ground in that we inhabit a nation built on respect for law (except for the executive branch, of course) and we are united by our ability to speak and write in English (excepting, of course, the commander in chief, the 11 million U.S. adults who are not functionally literate and just about everyone on the Internet).
• The president cordially pretended to ask Congress for legal authority to do something, as if everyone didn't already know he's The Decider, who does what he fancies and doesn't need permission from a constitutionally coequal branch of government to act, damn it.
• Bush talked about stationing National Guard troops on the Mexican border for the next year to improve security with new technology. Critics argue military and homeland security resources are already stretched thin, especially given behind-the-scenes projects like the domestic eavesdropping National Phone Call Database of Doom, but just think–they won't even have to waste any money or man-hours covering this one up. Besides, I just saw on our local news that our two, lame shopping malls got a $100,000 grant from Homeland Security because they're the closest thing this city has to potential terrorist targets–plainly, they give away these funds like candy.
• The president mentioned the importance of ending the "catch and release" policy that too often sends captured illegal immigrants back into society because authorities don't have the resources to hold them. The next sentence about closing the PR-stain that is Guantanamo and re-opening it as an offshore "detention resort" must have been edited for time. It was "24" night, after all.
• Like everything else in this country, if you're got a real family, the president alluded to the fact that you're just a little bit better than other illegal immigrants.
• And finally, President Bush urged us to remember, though the illegal immigration issue is divisive, we can all find common ground in that we inhabit a nation built on respect for law (except for the executive branch, of course) and we are united by our ability to speak and write in English (excepting, of course, the commander in chief, the 11 million U.S. adults who are not functionally literate and just about everyone on the Internet).
posted by Holly at 11:12 PM
<< Home