Who says heathens can't enjoy religious holidays?

To reiterate to the nation that they're here, they're queer, and they shall not be deprived of the god-given American right to watch their kids push chicken embryos across the White House lawn with silverware, according to reports, hundreds of gay and lesbian parents are lining up to snag tickets to Saturday's annual White House Easter Egg Roll.

While any attempt to stick it to social conservatives with visible displays of "immoral" pride is inherently good in itself, this event in particular seriously needs to get with the times.

The egg roll has been a Washington tradition since the mid-19th century. Children use spoons to push colored eggs through the grass in a race. Past events have included petting zoos and White House staff members in bunny costumes.

The president sometimes makes a brief appearance, and the first lady often reads a story. The White House has not announced plans for this year.

Well, lucky for everyone, I have a few suggestions if plans are still undetermined:

• Come marvel as the miracles of life and modern medical technology intertwine as fluffy little baby chicks are born, tested for avian flu by Centers for Disease Control technicians and destroyed if necessary right before your eyes in the Pandemic Preparedness Chick Hatchery/Bio-hazard Incinerator.

• To get an up-close look at how military and intelligence officials are interrogating enemy combatants to keep you and your children safe, don't miss it as Attorney General Roberto Gonzales demonstrates the latest techniques on a giant sugar-egg facsimile of a military prison camp full of butter lamb insurgents.

• Get a professional photo to cherish for generations of your child sitting on the Easter Bunny's lap. (The pedophile PR guy from Homeland Security won't be in the suit, we swear.)

• Hone your trap shooting skills with Vice President Cheney as you take aim not at quail or clay pigeons, but at stale marshmallow Peeps fired from a grenade launcher.

• Go on an "Easter Egg Hunt" in the FBI and CIA archives, computer systems and spy satellite interfaces for evidence of Iranian nuclear technology or anything that would support the pre-Iraq war intelligence–you could win a special edition Cadbury Dirty Bomb Crunch Egg!

• Come join Republican Congressional leaders in egging Russ Feingold's car!

• Search through a huge pile of colorful jellybeans with leaders from President Bush's faith-based initiatives for candies that look like religious icons to auction off for additional funds on eBay–or just let illegal but faithful foreign labor to do it for you.

• Gather 'round First Lady Laura Bush for a dramatic reading of a slim but powerful volume that is not only the funniest thing ever but is also long overdue to become a holiday classic, "The Book of Bunny Suicides."

• And finally, cheer on your favorite White House news correspondents who are fed up with spin in the First Annual Lob a Canned Ham at Scott McClellan Press Conference and Jamboree!