Dear Merry Sunshine

I've always wanted to have a gallows humor advice column in which my answer to absolutely every question eventually comes down to the one true, universally guaranteed solution: just kill yourself.

Take this actual letter in Friday's "Dear Abby"–see how much more fun it could be if Abby didn't really give a crap about offending people?

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ron," and I are at odds over parenting our 7-year-old son, "Brett." My husband is very domestic. He cooks like a world-class chef and does more housework than any man I know of.

I have read Dr. James Dobson's books on family. He clearly states that a father should be the manly role model for the son, to prevent the son from being homosexual. I'm concerned that Brett will learn feminine ways from my husband and turn out to be gay. How can I convince Ron that he needs to teach Brett the more manly things in life? -- WORRIED MOM IN FLORIDA

DEAR WORRIED MOM: Well, you are certainly right to be worried, because watching his father prepare food and rid his living space of filth will undoubtedly cause your son to want to have sex with men, that's only logical. Come to think of it, your husband is probably a closet gay, too.

But seriously, reading and accepting anything by Dr. Dobson was your first mistake, and now you want to act on it? Christ, woman, get a clue. You see, Dr. Dobson is one of the alpha-males of the species known commonly as "fundamentalist nut-jobs." You know, the folks who tout the virtue of Victorian morality and think the greatest problems facing the world today (which they have been personally called by a God with rather skewed priorities to combat) are homosexuality and non-traditional families.

To solve your problem, you could just stop reading paternalizing drivel and try to calm the hell down and be thankful your husband even puts up with you or your vile spawn–who thanks to you is probably already doomed by the genetic dice to be an idiot, which is far worse than being gay or effeminate–much less does anything for you besides. But you'll probably fail at that, because you are dumb.

Put quite simply, the world doesn't need any more men growing up to be like Dr. Dobson, nor any more vapid women who listen to men who grow up to be like Dr. Dobson.

You should just kill yourself. In fact, you are so profoundly, hopelessly, irredeemably stupid that before you kill yourself, you should secure someone to resurrect you like they did for the sixth season of "Buffy" so you can kill yourself twice. Good luck!