Chickens of the CDC
Forget duct tape and plastic sheeting, fellow citizens–we've now got Health and Human Services Secretary Michael Leavitt, honest to god, telling Americans to stockpile cans of tuna and boxes of powdered milk under their beds to prepare for the fabled potential bird flu pandemic.
And as much as we would all like to think that was just another bizarre yet amusing instance of Ambien-fueled lunacy, we also know coming from a member of this administration, it probably wasn't.
Should bird flu swoop in to roost, officials are also advising people to be prepared to stay inside and away from others while the virus runs its course through the community. Which only takes about, oh, eight frickin' weeks. That's going to require quite the pile of processed pisces.
And yet, with all this fabulous material to work with, the government's Web portal of preparedness, avianflu.gov, is markedly disappointing when compared to previous efforts (ready.gov, anyone?). Foremost, I think they need some more engaging tips for weathering a hypothetical pandemic:
• If you see any strange men wearing suits, dark sunglasses and NSA badges crawling about the exterior of your home like over-caffeinated squirrels, do not be alarmed. They're merely surveilling neighborhood songbirds for suspicious chatter and hacking coughs, per direct orders from the president, and the details do not concern you, dear patriot.
• As summer approaches, though the normal hives of contagion popularly known as schools will be out, children will still be at risk for catching flu from neighborhood playmates. Luckily, you've still got time to refit your backyard sprinkler or Slip 'n' Slide to spray bleach, killing two birds with one stone, if you will.
• A bird flu pandemic could be the perfect opportunity to stick it to friends and neighbors who made fun of your Y2K disaster shelter and stockpile. If not, you might still get your chance when the Martians retaliate against Google for providing any common Earthling with an Internet connection satellite views of their top secret extraterrestrial enclaves–and you can bet they'll be more uppity and more heavily armed than disgruntled Wisconsin Democrats.
• Get involved in your community as it works to prepare for an influenza pandemic. Focus on preventing possible, future suffering and just try to ignore that feeling of character contamination that comes with knowing you've probably spent years ignoring neighbors who could have used your help during actualized crises.
• To limit the spread of germs and prevent infection, teach children to properly wash their hands, cover their coughs and kill themselves at the first sign of a sniffle to protect the populace from pandemic. Then model the correct behavior.
• Pandemics have the potential to seriously disrupt everyday life if mass numbers of people fall sick at the same time. These disruptions could include closures of schools and businesses, interruption of public services and, *cough* indefinite suspension of constitutional government, *cough*– oh no, I think it's starting!
• Prepare backup plans in case public gatherings, such as volunteer meetings and worship services, are canceled. Even if His house is infested with deadly plague, your infinitely perfect, benevolent and rational God will know if you start slacking in your ritual practice of piety.
• Help schools plan for pandemic influenza by talking to administrators and parent-teacher organizations. If they listen to Creationists, they'll listen to anybody.
• Should schools close, plan some home learning activities. Have materials, such as books, on hand. You remember books–those bound things parents used to read to their kids before they handed the task of fostering literacy and love of learning off to digitized snake oils like "Baby Einstein."
• Think about how you can rely less on public transportation during a pandemic. Actually, scratch that one–that's just for poor people whose lives don't matter much anyway.
• If business is disrupted, you may need to find ways to work from home. Just FYI, I'm calling "Avian Flu Strumpet" as my online porn alter ego, so think of something else.
• To build up immunity, start exercising and eating a healthy, balanced diet immediately. Health officials know heart disease, respiratory disease, diabetes, cancer and repugnant aesthetic effects haven't convinced you to do so, but they have to at least toss it out there.
• It is still safe to eat properly cooked poultry, because high temperatures destroy germs, including the bird flu virus. See, tree-huggers, global warming doesn't look so tragic now, does it?
• To keep updated on vital flu information, turn to Fox News, the Wall Street Journal, the Washington Times and other ideologically consonant sources, whom government officials will be providing with the best information–your survival dep - er, could depend upon it.
• And finally, set aside any fears spawned by the chaos of the Hurricane Katrina aftermath, for the U.S. government is doing many important things to help protect you from avian influenza. Vice President Cheney's "Quail Incident?" Start showing some thanks, ingrates, because that was all for you, America–all for you.
And as much as we would all like to think that was just another bizarre yet amusing instance of Ambien-fueled lunacy, we also know coming from a member of this administration, it probably wasn't.
Should bird flu swoop in to roost, officials are also advising people to be prepared to stay inside and away from others while the virus runs its course through the community. Which only takes about, oh, eight frickin' weeks. That's going to require quite the pile of processed pisces.
And yet, with all this fabulous material to work with, the government's Web portal of preparedness, avianflu.gov, is markedly disappointing when compared to previous efforts (ready.gov, anyone?). Foremost, I think they need some more engaging tips for weathering a hypothetical pandemic:
• If you see any strange men wearing suits, dark sunglasses and NSA badges crawling about the exterior of your home like over-caffeinated squirrels, do not be alarmed. They're merely surveilling neighborhood songbirds for suspicious chatter and hacking coughs, per direct orders from the president, and the details do not concern you, dear patriot.
• As summer approaches, though the normal hives of contagion popularly known as schools will be out, children will still be at risk for catching flu from neighborhood playmates. Luckily, you've still got time to refit your backyard sprinkler or Slip 'n' Slide to spray bleach, killing two birds with one stone, if you will.
• A bird flu pandemic could be the perfect opportunity to stick it to friends and neighbors who made fun of your Y2K disaster shelter and stockpile. If not, you might still get your chance when the Martians retaliate against Google for providing any common Earthling with an Internet connection satellite views of their top secret extraterrestrial enclaves–and you can bet they'll be more uppity and more heavily armed than disgruntled Wisconsin Democrats.
• Get involved in your community as it works to prepare for an influenza pandemic. Focus on preventing possible, future suffering and just try to ignore that feeling of character contamination that comes with knowing you've probably spent years ignoring neighbors who could have used your help during actualized crises.
• To limit the spread of germs and prevent infection, teach children to properly wash their hands, cover their coughs and kill themselves at the first sign of a sniffle to protect the populace from pandemic. Then model the correct behavior.
• Pandemics have the potential to seriously disrupt everyday life if mass numbers of people fall sick at the same time. These disruptions could include closures of schools and businesses, interruption of public services and, *cough* indefinite suspension of constitutional government, *cough*– oh no, I think it's starting!
• Prepare backup plans in case public gatherings, such as volunteer meetings and worship services, are canceled. Even if His house is infested with deadly plague, your infinitely perfect, benevolent and rational God will know if you start slacking in your ritual practice of piety.
• Help schools plan for pandemic influenza by talking to administrators and parent-teacher organizations. If they listen to Creationists, they'll listen to anybody.
• Should schools close, plan some home learning activities. Have materials, such as books, on hand. You remember books–those bound things parents used to read to their kids before they handed the task of fostering literacy and love of learning off to digitized snake oils like "Baby Einstein."
• Think about how you can rely less on public transportation during a pandemic. Actually, scratch that one–that's just for poor people whose lives don't matter much anyway.
• If business is disrupted, you may need to find ways to work from home. Just FYI, I'm calling "Avian Flu Strumpet" as my online porn alter ego, so think of something else.
• To build up immunity, start exercising and eating a healthy, balanced diet immediately. Health officials know heart disease, respiratory disease, diabetes, cancer and repugnant aesthetic effects haven't convinced you to do so, but they have to at least toss it out there.
• It is still safe to eat properly cooked poultry, because high temperatures destroy germs, including the bird flu virus. See, tree-huggers, global warming doesn't look so tragic now, does it?
• To keep updated on vital flu information, turn to Fox News, the Wall Street Journal, the Washington Times and other ideologically consonant sources, whom government officials will be providing with the best information–your survival dep - er, could depend upon it.
• And finally, set aside any fears spawned by the chaos of the Hurricane Katrina aftermath, for the U.S. government is doing many important things to help protect you from avian influenza. Vice President Cheney's "Quail Incident?" Start showing some thanks, ingrates, because that was all for you, America–all for you.
posted by Holly at 3:17 AM
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