Roses are red, violets are blue; Cupid carries avian flu

As everyone's favorite holiday of sub-par chocolate, ugly flowers and lame plush toys (the dreaded Trifecta of Thoughtless-Gift Tackiness) descends to spread its candy-coated, doily-draped unease upon the solo and accompanied alike, here are a few words of perspective from my wise, wise mother:

"No one loves me any other day of the year, either–why should this one be any worse?"

So very true. Besides, in a new survey from the Pew Internet and American Life Project, 55 percent of single adults polled said they were not looking for a partner, including 51 percent of singles ages 18 to 29.

So, even if you do manage to find someone you're interested in, odds are they don't want you. Even before they get to know you and the intensity with which you probably suck. Why even bother?

It's not that much of a loss, anyway. All other people are really good for is incubating and transmitting contagion–so much so that a new PC euphemism (known henceforth in this space as "neuphemisms"–I make up words because I can), "social distancing," has popped up to serve in stead for for the ugly "quarantine" in talk of bird flu pandemic preparedness.

So, if anyone dares to pity you to your face for being single this Valentine's Day, just tell them you're such a committed altruist, you're martyring your personal desires for companionship and intimacy to do your part to thwart a vicious virus in its indiscriminate attempts to wantonly ravage innocent hosts. And then ask them just what they've done for their collective human brethren lately. Yeah, that's what you thought.

Oh, you are so alone. But at least you're relatively unmolested by malicious microbes. Or, for that matter, vice presidential birdshot.